Runners DO have ugly feet!  If you don’t believe me, just sit around listening to a conversation with hardcore runners (I’m more softcore… heh… there I go back to the gutter) and just see how many times they bring up their black toenails.  Don’t believe me?  Look at this!

My opinion of feet was formed at an early age.  Feet are ugly.  I don’t care who you are, on some level, feet are just plain ugly.  Those “pretty feet” you see in magazine ads – they’ve been Photoshopped.  I’ve never met an actual, real-live person who has feet that look like that.  Even after a pedicure, mine only look better (notice I didn’t say “magazine worthy”?) for about a day.  Maybe two if I’m lucky.

Now that I’ve been running again for the last few weeks, I have a healthy set of callouses going.  Ewww.  Well, eww and ouch!  I acquired a new matched set of callouses on the bottoms of my feet because the pair of shoes I’ve been running in became too big for me since I lost weight.  They were rubbing in places they shouldn’t have been.  These callouses are NOT comfortable.  I hope I’ve fixed some of that problem by purchasing a new pair of Saucony (that’d be pronounced “Saw-Cone-Eee”… in case you didn’t know, like I didn’t know) running shoes that fit better (Thank you, Fleet Feet Sports!).  I’ve had my previous pair for about two years, and well past the 500 miles replacement recommendation.

So back to feet.  Oh sure, I know that there are people out there who think feet are the next best thing to sliced bread.  I accept that.  I don’t feel the same, but hey, whatever floats your boat, right?  Now, I don’t have a fear of feet, I don’t get ill just looking at them (well… some people’s feet I do get ill looking at), but they are one of those things that I feel is ugly enough that you have to do something to pretty them up just to make them socially acceptable.   And don’t get me started on toenail fungus… Okay, quick story about that.  This one time, on a snorkel tour boat (not unlike band camp), I was sitting across from a large, overweight man, obviously in the last trimester of his pregnancy with triplets, and it was time to get ready for jumping in the water.  He removed his shoes, and I heard a soft scream coming from the direction of my toes, which were cringing backwards in horror, as they, too, saw one of the worst cases of toenail fungus EVER.  The sight of this man’s toes made me want to cry and as soon as I could, I looked up online to see if I could catch his nasty-ass toenail fungus via saltwater.  I didn’t get toenail fungus and I also learned that I should not look at the toenails of other tour-mates.  It’s just safer that way.

Back to my own foot issues.  Hot showers find me propped against the shower wall, building biceps and working on flexibility as I contort myself into pretzel shapes just to pumice the ugliness from the surface of my feet.  Once I’ve had a good stretch IN the shower, after a few minutes out of the shower, I attack the ugliness again with a sanding block (yes, the kind used in a wood shop) with some heavy grit sandpaper on there (I think I’ve got 60 or 80 grit right now).  This tends to keep a majority of the ugliness at bay, but when needed, I have a whole arsenol of products to aid in ugliness removal.  Acidic callous dissolving potions, metal rasps and super-heavy-duty creams that I can only hope actually absorb into my feet instead of my socks (for some reason my socks are really soft…).

Once I have thoroughly tortured (actually… the pumicing feels really good) my feet into submission, I dress em up with polish.  I have way too many polish choices.  I admit that, but they keep making so many pretty colors!  I make a selection, paint and admire my work.  Oh, I know there are people out there who say that you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still just a pig, but my little piggies wear polish, not lipstick.