Gemma Hayes: 'I have said no to amazing opportunities feeling I wasn't worthy or capable.'

We used to head up to the forest and we wouldn’t come back until we were hungry. Twilight was our cue. There was no helicopter parenting back then, no seatbelts.

I have a memory of seeing the hallway through the bars of my cot. I was saying it to my mother and she said; ‘Gemma to be honest, I did tend to put you in your cot quite a lot. You stayed in there more than the average child.’

My father would have been very old school — he worked, went home, and read the newspaper. My mother did absolutely everything else, 24 hours a day. I think she was very overwhelmed in the early days.

Our house was chaotic and loud with so many people but we never lacked love. That shapes a lot of your sense of self in the world — what you feel you deserve and how you treat other people.

In certain aspects, I was born to be the person I am. Being the youngest in a large family, I was very quiet. That was the natural pecking order. And let’s face it; I was the runt of the litter.

My position in the family pushed me to be heard. That helped shape the fact that I get up on stage and write songs.

I constantly have to talk to myself and go; ‘you’re okay. You can do this — even if you mess up, it’s okay.’

My greatest challenge has been to make my internal dialogue support me as opposed to dragging me down. I have said ‘no’ to amazing opportunities, feeling I wasn’t worthy or capable. I’ve said ‘no’ to really good people because I didn’t feel aligned with, or good enough for them.

I remember manually trying to change the cogs in the conversation. So I was going; ‘you absolutely can do this. You are loved in the world. You can stand in your own power and you don’t have to apologise.’

I’ve come across people who utterly own their body and celebrate it. I grew up trying to prove that the subliminal messaging from the media was wrong. Being pretty was very important. In the 80s, the men rescued the women. The women never had the answer.

As a girl coming into my teens, it was all about weight and supermodels, Kate Moss was the ideal. I didn’t know anybody who was going — ‘don’t fall for this bullshit.’ In my family, you looked your best and you didn’t say anything controversial.

I’m 45 now. This is going to sound really cliché but it is the truth. I would only be skirting around to try to be more interesting – my kids are my proudest achievement. I’ve managed to keep them in good spirits and good health for the last nine years.

I walked into [parenthood] with my eyes closed. I was thinking I could just have a kid, throw them on my back and keep touring and life was like; ‘absolutely no way. It doesn’t work like that.’

I remember being onstage, having taken my boy with me to Germany. He was a hungry baby. I was breastfeeding. He was waking every two hours during the night. I wasn’t sleeping. I remember feeling like I was about to pass out; I was just so exhausted and I kept forgetting lyrics. At the start of the gig, it was quite endearing but when it kept happening, it lost its charm very quickly. That’s when I decided to step back.

The person I always turned to — and you’ve kind of hit a nerve there — was my mother. She’s still around but she’s old and her memory isn’t the best. That relationship just had to change.

When you’re creating art, you’re leaving an imprint of yourself. I’ve heard people talk about legacies — but I don’t really mind how people remember me — as long as my kids do.

I try to be as conscientious about [climate change] as I can. If my husband’s working, it would be easier just to jump in the car and go ahead but I’ll wait so we’re not taking two cars.

What surprises me is when a person can, without any inhibitions, say sorry. The thing that scares me are the people who cannot say sorry, who are caught up with pride and power.

I wanted to leave school at 15 to study acting. I went for an audition at the Samuel Beckett Theatre. I was really self-conscious and there was this really handsome guy that caught my eye. When it came to me, the teacher asked me to be a frog and I refused because I thought I might look stupid.

I got into music because that was something I could do in private. I could have been an actor but I didn’t have the chops for it.

• Gemma Hayes’ new track, ‘High & Low,’ is out now.